Signs your relationship is struggling, and practical ways to bring it back to life
Summary: No couple starts out expecting to drift apart, but over time small cracks can grow into deep divides. Communication falters, trust fades, and intimacy feels like a distant memory. Yet, many relationships can be repaired if both partners are willing to put in the emotional, practical, and sometimes uncomfortable work it takes to reconnect. From addressing communication breakdowns to rebuilding intimacy, here’s how to take concrete steps toward healing. Starting with.
RECOGNIZING THE SIGNS
Communication Breakdown
When conversations stop being about understanding and start being about winning, or worse, avoiding altogether, it’s a warning sign. In healthy communication, both partners feel safe expressing thoughts without fear of dismissal or escalation. But when tone, timing, or choice of words trigger defensiveness, the discussion quickly derails into blame or retreat. Over time, unresolved frustrations pile up, creating a silent emotional wall between you.
Example:
John: “You never help me with the kids.”
Sarah: “That’s not true, I… oh, never mind.” (walks away)
What’s happening: They’re stuck in blame mode, not in solution mode. This is where resentment breeds. But they also know that fixing the issue would take way more energy than either or both of them have at the time after such a long emotional war, nor are the mature enough to accept professional help. John & Sarah will soon be a couple no more.
Emotional Distance
Emotional closeness is built on the small daily moments where partners check in, share their thoughts, and offer genuine attention. When these exchanges become rare or shallow, partners begin to feel invisible to each other. This detachment can start subtly, missed eye contact, distracted replies, or conversations limited to logistics,and eventually becomes a pattern where the deeper, more vulnerable parts of themselves are no longer shared.
Example:
John: “How was your day?”
Sarah: “Fine.” (keeps scrolling on her phone)
John: “Cool, glad for you. Mine too”
What’s happening: The conversation is perfunctory, not connective. Emotional disengagement often precedes physical and romantic disconnection.
Lack of Intimacy
Physical affection, whether it’s holding hands, a kiss hello, or a shared laugh while cooking, is a key glue in romantic relationships. When these moments fade, the bond begins to weaken, even if love is still present. Intimacy is not only about sex; it’s about creating an ongoing physical and emotional language of closeness. Avoidance, lack of effort, or discomfort in initiating touch sends the unspoken message that connection is no longer a priority.
Example:
Lisa: “Want to cuddle and watch a movie tonight?”
Mark: “I’m tired, maybe later.” (later never comes)
Whats happening: Maybe it is normal for sexual passion to subside as hormones boil down, and for intimacy to take hits during times of stress, pregnancy, illness, etc. What is not normal is for “Maybe Later” to never happen. Unless either or both partners are asexual and made that clear… no sex? At all? Is not normal. And unless both partners take responsibility in their roles as partners and in creating the space, time and opportunities to feel sexy and build desire in the other, they won´t save the marriage. Couples need two people! A single partner trying twice as hard isn’t even half as effective as the two of them.
Resentment and Blame
Holding on to past grievances means carrying yesterday’s hurt into today’s interactions. In this dynamic, conflicts aren’t about the present problem, they’re about an accumulated history of unresolved pain. Instead of working toward understanding, partners use mistakes as ammunition, ensuring no argument is ever truly about just one thing. This erodes goodwill and turns even minor issues into battlegrounds.
Example:
Tom: “You’re late again.”
Emily: “Oh, like you were perfect last Christmas when you forgot my birthday dinner?”
Whats happening: Lots of repressed lil offenses that they never addressed or never truly forgave; exploding at the worst time. They´re not forgiving, forgetting nor moving on. They are storing munition and waiting for the other to “break the cease fire” to be able to unload the big bombs on them. Their objective is to win a fight and feel powerful, in control, the moral champion. They are not seeking to solve issues, be happy with each other, nor change for the better together.
Avoidance of Conflict
Not every disagreement has to be resolved immediately, but repeatedly dodging important topics sends the relationship into slow decline. Avoidance may feel like self-preservation in the moment, but over time it deepens misunderstandings and lets problems grow unchecked. Couples who “keep the peace” this way often find that silence isn’t neutral, it’s a breeding ground for resentment.
Example:
Mike: “We need to talk about our budget.”
Jen: “Not tonight, I don’t want to fight.”
Whats happening: They are already at the learned dispair stage. They assume fighting is their love language. That whenever an issue, not even a problem, an issue come around it´s gonna drive the wedge even deeper. That every problem is gonna pit em against each other because neither is willing to put any amount of energy to keep the relationship going, but they´re also too cowardly to end it. Fight or flight are the two most basic responses in humans who know/have no other option. If you can´t “flee”, divorce, take a break, sleep at a friends house… if you can´t even “go to sleep angry” to discuss it on a fresh mind… then fighting is the only option. And it becomes life.
Stalled Personal Growth
In a healthy relationship, both people can evolve as individuals while growing together as a couple. When one partner feels their dreams or personal goals are dismissed or restricted, it creates a sense of being trapped. The underlying message is: “Your growth doesn’t fit in our relationship,” which can lead to frustration and, eventually, emotional withdrawal.
Example:
Sarah: “I want to take that night class for my career.”
John: “Why? You’re already busy enough. What? You´re suggesting I can´t provide for this family? That you need to start working and studying and shit!”
Whats happening: Insecurity. Fear thata partner growing means they´re getting ready to leave, or means that they´ll be challenged to grow as well. Both are kryptonite for narcisists and comformists. It can also be a very rational fear of all the associated costs, time investment, lack of help around the house, need to support and help all throughout the project and career. Big commitments are impositions on BOTH, don´t expect them to say yes just because they love you, sometimes the right answer really is to stay out of school. But of course. “Is not what he said is how he said it”. Hell, he may just not have the balls to tell you that you´re too dumb for X career and you should elarn air conditioner repair to actually make enough money to then study your dream career at your leisure… in any case. Communication breaking down, fears and insecurities are not being expressed and opportunities are being killed simply because they recognize instinctively that anything they try; will fail; for they are not a team.
HOW TO REPAIR AND RECONNECT
Open Communication
Strong relationships are built on the ability to talk openly without fear of judgment or dismissal. This means making space for both voices to be heard equally,no interruptions, no defensiveness, and no rushing through the conversation. One of the most effective ways to make this happen is to schedule regular “relationship check-ins,” where the goal is not to win or solve everything, but to listen and understand. These moments create a safe container for honesty and help prevent misunderstandings from festering.
Example:
Sarah: “I’ve been feeling really disconnected lately.”
John: “I didn’t realize… I miss us too. What can we change?”
Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, love is not enough to untangle the cycles of hurt and miscommunication a couple has fallen into. A skilled therapist can act as a neutral guide, helping partners see patterns they can’t recognize on their own and giving them practical tools to break those patterns. Seeking counseling isn’t a sign of weakness,it’s a commitment to learning how to love each other better.
Example:
Mark: “We can’t keep going like this. Will you try counseling with me?”
Lisa: “I’m scared… but yes. I want to try.”
Commit to Change
Lasting improvement in a relationship happens when both people take ownership of their part in the problem. It’s easy to point fingers, but far more powerful to examine one’s own behaviors and commit to doing better. True change means following through, showing with actions, not just words, that the relationship is a shared responsibility.
Example:
Tom: “I’ll stop bringing up the past in arguments.”
Emily: “And I’ll work on being on time.”
Rekindle Intimacy
Closeness doesn’t return by accident,it’s built through intentional moments of connection. That might mean date nights, long hugs, or uninterrupted conversations where phones stay out of reach. The point is to create spaces where you can focus entirely on each other, reminding yourselves why you fell in love in the first place. Sure, it may not be as often as before. But it will be just as, if not more meaningful if you truly turn intimacy into a goal, and not just a crutch to prop up a dying relationship.
Example:
Jen: “Friday, just you, me, and no phones. Deal?”
Mike: “Deal.”
Practice Forgiveness
Holding onto old wounds is like leaving the door open for yesterday’s pain to keep walking in. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting,it means choosing to stop letting past mistakes control today’s connection. It’s an active decision to create room for trust, love, and growth, even if it takes time.
Example:
Sarah: “I’ve been holding on to anger from last year. I’m ready to let it go.”
John: “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ll do better.”
Set Shared Goals
Working toward something you both value creates a sense of unity and purpose. Whether it’s saving for a trip, tackling a home project, or building financial security, shared goals turn “me and you” into “us.” They also provide a positive focus that can strengthen teamwork and mutual support.
Example:
Lisa: “Let’s save for a weekend trip.”
Mark: “I’ll cut back on takeout so we can make it happen.”
Support Individual Growth
Healthy relationships don’t just support the “us”; they also nurture the “me.” Encouraging each other’s personal passions and ambitions keeps the relationship dynamic and fulfilling. When both partners feel free to grow individually, they bring more energy, curiosity, and joy back into the shared space.
Example:
Emily: “Go take that art class,you’ve been talking about it for years.”
Tom: “And you should start your podcast. I’ll help you with the setup.”
Rebuild Trust
Trust is not rebuilt overnight,it grows back slowly through consistent, reliable actions. Being transparent, keeping promises, and following through on small commitments sends the message: “You can count on me.” Over time, these actions weave a stronger foundation than words alone ever could.
Example:
Mike: “I’ll text you when I leave work so you’re not left wondering.”
Tina: “Thanks! You know how crime has been skyrocketing! Is not about keeping tabs on you, is about knowing you´re safe and on your way, here, for drinks with the guys, I just want to know you´re fine.”
Mike: “Thanks hun, can’t wait to see you after work”
The Bottom Line:
A dying marriage doesn’t have to be a dead marriage,but recovery requires humility, patience, and consistent action. The first and most crucial step is recognizing that things are not fine, no matter how much easier it feels to pretend otherwise. This isn’t about assigning blame; it’s about facing the reality that the relationship, as it stands, is unsustainable. From there, seeking help,whether through therapy, trusted mentors, or structured relationship programs, can provide the guidance and tools you can’t always develop on your own.
Equally important is committing to change for the right reasons. You’re not simply “proving” how the other person should change; you’re examining your own patterns and taking responsibility for them. Real growth requires both partners to adjust,not just to end the crisis, but to build a healthier future. And once the immediate tension fades, don’t fall into the trap of thinking the work is over. Relapsing into old habits just because the fire is out only guarantees another blaze down the road.
The goal isn’t to return to the honeymoon phase,it’s to create a deeper, stronger connection than before. If you both keep showing up and do the work, your marriage can become not just something you survive and can laugh at, like a dangerous vacation anecdote. But a project you’re proud to say, wasn’t always perfect but it’s worth it every day!
